I am the sole judge of this contest.  No whining. No appeals. No arguing.  

Just make me laugh with the best limerick about Newsvine.

The winner will receive $25 from me via PayPal.  Others have offered to chip in some of their earnings, so you may end up with more than $25.  

• No personal attacks.
• Don't mention other Viners by name unless it's in a positive light.
• Multiple submissions are accepted.
• Post all submissions here.
• All members of Newsvine who are in good standing are eligible.  Guides = OK   Staff = forget it.
• Here's some help for you.
• People can vote on as many submissions as they'd like, but please know that I am the judge.  My money...my choice.  :)
• Have fun & be creative!
• Go big or go home!

Oh, and I still haven't heard from Clapsaddle, who won the haiku contest.  Check your e-mail, dude!

I am the sole judge of this contest.  No whining. No appeals. No arguing.  Just make me laugh with the best Newsvine haiku you can create.

The winner will receive $25 from me via PayPal.   Don't enter unless you have or are willing to open a PayPal account.

• No personal attacks.
• Don't mention other Viners by name unless it's in a positive light.
• Multiple submissions are accepted.
• Post all submissions here.
• All members of Newsvine who are in good standing are eligible.  Guides = OK   Staff = forget it.
• People can vote on as many submissions as they'd like, but please know that I am the judge.  My money...my choice.  :)
• Haiku = acceptable.  Sonnet, ode, triolet, quatrain, quintain, sestina, clerihew, etc. = not acceptable. 
• Save your dirty limericks for the next contest. :O
• Have fun & be creative!

by Jerry Firman

 Every now and then I wake up with some dream or thought or thoughts of dreams banging on the inside of my skull and demanding expression. Often the internal ruckus is overcome by the simple process of relaying the nagging notion to whoever will listen and then continuing with the events of the day.  That didn't work this morning. I told my significant other all about my nocturnal wondering and still I am driven to expound yet farther.

 I probably should start by explaining why I think I may have arose to such ephemeral feelings of fantasy such as gigantic animals suddenly expiring and people becoming red, flaky and squeaky with common old corrosion. I think it all came about because of what I have been reading and the mixed emotions caused by watching various friends and acquaintances seemingly committing fratricide and suicide right before my eyes.

 In recent weeks I have read more and more meta messages on Newsvine that purport to be about the "old" Newsvine and what happened way back when and who was, is or even will be important. A strange outcome of these varied articles is that they have provoked a certain amount of controversy not only among the general membership but moreso between various personalities that existed prior to the Refugees, the MSNBC.COM influx, the current political morass and the expansion of Newsvine beyond most people's expectations.

 If I were the kind of researcher who can dig through moldy, old, yet timeless articles that I could bring to everyone's attention as proof and examples of what really happened in Olde Tyme Newsvine I might be able to assuage the combative quarrels of all the supposed eyewitnesses to what went before. I am not that kind of writer so instead of research let me give readers a perspective that works well for me when I find myself disturbed by the recall of others. Newsvine is an experience, an experience for one that includes the many. What? Sound looney? What I mean is like the old line about NYC, Newsvine is the venue of millions of stories. Each member, whether Beta, long time, crowd delivered or recent, each one will have a unique experience. No two Newsviners ever saw the Vine in exactly the same way.

 First, let me discuss the "Who Was First" syndrome. Some old timers have been pointed out as being individuals who initiated, first thought of, or otherwise have some claim to some policy, utility, organization or cultural custom of Newsvine. Such claims may be accurate. On the other hand such claims lack authority by way of general knowledge or written affirmation. There have been very few times when Newsvine Staff has given credit to end users Newsviners for their contributions or made public statements to the effect that Staff actions were caused by Member input. Exceptions to this are the leaves on logos and the RAV. A few of us have received accolades from Staff that were in person or by way of a memo of appreciation or some such communicartion. I once received a very nice box of goodies from MSNBC.com in appreciation of an article I wrote. Once in a lifetime.

 "Who Was First" is also obfuscated by the fact that many Newsviners, both early and late, have forwarded suggestions to Staff at various times and with numerous subjects. These were normally forwarded by email or by one of the several ways of contacting through reports such as "Report A Bug". Some Newsvine "Firsts" are a little like saying Columbus got to America first. He didn't, they weren't and that leaves us with knowing who may have been pointed to first but not who actually was the original discoverer of the New World.

 Second, I want to say something about how being together for so long may give the wrong impression of "Olde Tyme Newsviners".  Some of us have been reading and writing to each other for such a long time that we have feelings and understandings about each other that others can only get a glimpse of.  Since we can't even agree among ourselves how things were it is extremely difficult for us to render history teachings to younger Newsviners. Let me just say that I have witnessed what might be considered as conflicts between Members that Newbies might think irrational or spiteful or self serving. I don't see them that way. Rather I see people who care for each other being dismayed because their neighbor recalls life a little differently. I see people who care for the heart and soul of the Newsvine Community struggling to bring a reawakening of the sleeping giants that once roamed this site. A wishing away of the corrosion of time that has warped and welded the hinges that opened the gates to all that has become Newsvine.

 Third, a word or two about proposed and threatened changes to Newsvine as we know it. From time to time there have been notices from Staff that changes were in the offing. These notices have often been made in mysterious language and vague phrases that made us all think great things were happening. Some such changes actually occurred, others came and went, a few were accepted by all and many us cannot remember when or if they occurred or were here to begin with. Don't let coming changes change things. Let's keep Newsvine as the living, breathing, growing entity that it is. Life for Newsvine comes from the Members and is nurtured by Member Contributions. Staff can make changes but don't let them change us.

 Last, let me address the Dinosaurs or the Giants who once wrote among us. There were Giants in the early days of Newsvine. There still are Giants. New Giants are arriving daily. It is true that many of the original Giants have been overshadowed by time and circumstances. Some have lost time and energy. Some have lost interest. Regardless, their bones can still be reconstituted by reading their works in the archives. Much of what these Giants have written is still timely. Almost all of it is still there for the seekers of truth, wisdom and whatever fractured history they want to make of stories written from thousands, even millions of veiwpoints. A trip back in history for newer Newsviners might be inspiring for Newbies. Latch onto a Writer and look at his or her beginnings here on the Vine. Read not only their articles but the remarks and comments that went with them. You just might get smarter here.

 Thanks for being here. I just hope Calvin's Spellcheck hasn't given up on me. 

Personally, I like change. That might surprise some folks who know me. I used to wear holes through my shoes. I'm not giving up my discontinued model of car. And the front page of the website I work for hasn't changed in the three-plus years I've worked here.

Not much has changed in the basics of Newsvine - rules are the same, features are mostly the same, Viners still make the place what it is - but the site has grown. A lot. Discussions, the heart of the site, have gotten massive. And in light of that, the basics are going to change. A lot.

Sometime after this month of February, Newsvine is going to open up Beta for 'New Newsvine'. We can talk more about that over here.

Here's something that hasn't changed: the rules.

A user's participation at Newsvine is judged as a whole. Recurring counterproductive behavior or negative contributions - even if not specifically addressed in the Code of Honor or the User Agreement - may still warrant removal of that person from the Newsvine Community.

I'm being very careful to not make any guarantees about this next version of Newsvine, but I can promise the Code of Honor is sticking around. And at least until then, Sally and I are going to keep enforcing the Code of Honor how we've been doing it. You're free to disagree - a fair amount of folks are petitioning for a change.

I came up with the title before I fleshed out this article. By 'asylum' I don't mean the traditional houses for orphans or lunatics [though there are no prohibitions on either registering!], I mean it's not a sanctuary or a retreat. Perhaps compared to the rest of the internet, it's more comfortable, feels safer; I hope so, anyway.

I mean that you are not guaranteed a stay here. People get banned from Newsvine every day. The 'New Newsvine' might cut down on that substantially, but people are still going to get banned. That's not going to change, and I wouldn't have it any other way. It's pretty to think that maybe we could communicate the rules so well that no one ever broke them; prettier still to imagine that every ban or suspension would discipline a Viner that everyone in the community unanimously agreed needed it.

This may seem dismissive of criticism, insulated by authority. I think it's important for myself and Sally to acknowledge that while we're Viners, we actually do kind of have asylum here as long as we have jobs. The price of authority is often perspective. So please, be encouraged to continue asking questions, making suggestions, petitioning. I can't stand 'love it or leave it' sentiments.

Keep that in mind when 'New Newsvine' starts rolling out. If you like it at all, help build it.

Lately I've been having a lot of conversations with people who do our jobs or similar ones - including awesome new coworker EveryBlock Marina - and one of the things I keep hearing echoed is that we're lucky to have people so attached to Newsvine. It's a refreshing, validating reminder. Newsvine can be so many wonderful things.

But it's not an asylum. Follow the rules.

Edit, 2/22: While Newsvine is not an asylum, it's also not asylum, as mightyj points out in this comment, and would have made more sense as a headline.

The spammers whose names end with NewsCenter, Blog, Journal, etc. used to be confined to the Greenhouse.  Now they're on the front page, on category lists, and so on.  It is so easy to write a program that just checks the last part of a username - I can't understand why these aren't automatically deleted before they even hit the mainstream.  I'm not idealistic enough to think it will matter for long - they'll come up with a new naming scheme.

This isn't a bitch as much as a question.  It seems so easy to me.  Why hasn't it been done?  The only thing I can guess is that currently, there is nothing that checks on usernames before granting someone access, so it isn't as easy as just adding a few lines of code to stop certain patterns.  There aren't any rules that I'm aware of on what usernames are acceptable, other than personally enforced ones relating to real life names.  We've all seen some really out there ones concerning sexual acts, among other things.  Rejecting the usernames wouldn't be the best approach, in my mind - that would alert the spambots.  But deleting the accounts automatically would help a lot.  I'm not asking for much here, am I ;)

Which leads me to another issue.  Much of the advertising spam is so repetitive.  Again, it would be fairly easy to programatically delete any accounts that use certain phrases in broken English - except the computer resources required to do this would probably be complete hogs.

And finally ... while I'm curious and would like to see something done about this, I also realize that if something IS done, having the NV crew tell us what they're doing will give the spammers a perfect way to bypass it.  So now, this isn't quite a bitch, isn't quite a question - I guess it's a vent ;)

I'm always glad I play the bass,

except to look for a parking space.

Studied with a guy named Barry ,

who taught me much, 'cept how to carry

my gargantuan fragile friend of wood.

I traverse through a neighborhood,

of shuttered stores where's parked my beater,

on the way to a sparkling theater.

Too cheap to lay a fiver down,

I know each street space in this town,

behind the Goodyear, in front of the bar,

Nobody's stealing this old car.

The bass—it is another matter,

I always answer to such patter

as "What's it worth, how much it cost?"

with "You can't play it; please get lost!"

I was young, it was back in the day;

here and now I'd have to say,

tender that sawbuck, pull into a space

that makes it easy to carry a bass.

In this continuing series exploring the history and meaning of the Code of Honor, we will now look at Article Three, which governs the proper methods for presenting information on Newsvine, covering such topics as headlines, clipping, tags, news types and classification.

There are strict guidelines for each of these which used to be steadfastly enforced, but now, all too often are not. Sensationalist or inaccurate headlines, prohibited on Newsvine, are now abundant. Tags are not always as relevant as they should be. Articles and seeds are often miscategorized or clipped to groups where they have no relevance.

The current version of CoH article three, adopted in the 2008 revision, is actually a combination of two items from the original CoH, with a few additions that were necessary due to changes in Newsvine's features.

In the original Code of Honor, article two and article five, respectively, stated:

2. Keep your headlines accurate and free of sensationalist language.  If, for instance, you're seeding a story about a rumor, "Rumor: Sources say Yahoo to Buy ___" is appropriate whereby "Yahoo Buys ___" or "WTF! Oh my God!" are not.

5. Keep Newsvine tidy by tagging for accuracy rather than for readership, and editing your headlines and lead-ins to be descriptive, free of clutter, and lacking in distractions like ALL CAPS.

Clipping and news types were not covered in the original CoH because those features did not yet exist at the time of its writing. Additionally, neither of those items can be credited to any specific user, as many comments were made addressing those points, and all were more or less in agreement.

The 2008 revision consolidated these two articles, while also adding provision for those newer features, and is stated a follows:

Headlines should be supported by the information presented in the article/seed, rather than used primarily as a means to draw attention. Articles and seeds must be published to appropriate groups and categories. Tags must be relevant to the article or seed. More +

1. The ability to categorize content, including clipping, is a privilege that carries with it a responsibility. Publishing or clipping to irrelevant groups and/or entering irrelevant tags is prohibited.
2. Until additional News Types are supported, indicate the nature of your article/seed in the headline, when appropriate, following the form: "[Type]: [Headline]". This standard applies to the following non-exhaustive list of News Types: Satire, Rumor, Poetry, Comic/Illustration, Review.
3. Incorrectly classifying an article or seed as "a report or an opinion about recent news" may precipitate article or seed removal and suspension or banning.

All of these points emphasize a single thing - that articles and seeds on Newsvine should be accurate. This is primarily a News site, and without accuracy, all credibility is lost. From headlines, to categories, to tags, all Viners should strive to be as accurate as possible and avoid sensationalism and inaccuracy as a means to attract readers. Those who do so tend to find that it is accuracy that builds long-term readership. A sensationalist title might bring readers to your article, but a history of sensationalism will, in the long run, cost you any readership you might have had.

On Newsvine, credibility leads to longevity.

 

Notice: This is the third article in a series meant to explain the Code of Honor point by point.

The first article, on CoH 1, can be found here.

The second article, on CoH 2, can be found here.

Disclaimer: This is not an attempt to claim or assume any authority on Newsvine, and should not be construed as such. Rather, it is written with the goal of clarifying what I see everyday - misconceptions about the meaning and application of the Newsvine Code of Honor. Lastly, I had to write this, as I was cajoled into doing so by a couple of Newsviners - and an Irishman such as myself simply cannot say no to the ladies. It's genetically impossible.

This is not an attempt to claim or assume any authority on Newsvine, and should not be construed as such. Rather, it is written with the goal of clarifying what I see everyday - misconceptions about the meaning and application of the First Article of the Newsvine Code of Honor. Lastly, I had to write this, as I was cajoled into doing so by a couple of Newsviners - and an Irishman such as myself simply cannot say no to the ladies. It's genetically impossible.

First, some background. I was a beta viner, meaning I was here before Newsvine was opened to the public. During the beta phase things worked differently than they do now. Newsvine was bare bones - there were no threaded comments, comments were not editable, there were no images, no AP feed, no comment tracker, no groups, no friend lists, no watchlists, no reporting functions, no customizable modules, no Code of Honor...not much of anything, really.

So what did we have? A solid infrastructure, a great team of programmers, and a staff that was wide open to suggestions, and asked for our help in building a new kind of website, led by the visionary Calvin Tang.

In discussing the features we would like to see (and never see) a suggestion was made that maybe, just maybe, we should have some rules. Like all suggestions, it was met with some resistance, but the general consensus won out. We knew that once opened to the public this place would grow, and some of the new people might not share our vision, so we got to work writing a basic set of rules to govern the site. The debate ran across many user columns, in discussions which I was unable to locate, and on the Newsvine Blog.

Because the intention was always debate with honor, we deemed it the Code of Honor. Creative huh?

In January of 2006, Calvin, um, I mean the Newsvine Blog, opened a thread asking for suggestions. This is that thread. The first mention of what eventually became CoH1 seems to have been made by Mykola Bilokonsky, who incidentally is also the Viner who came up with the concept of Groups, for which he was awarded an RAV. Myk still shows up now and then, so if you see him, say thanks. Twice.

Here is the portion of this comment to which I'm referring:

• This shouldn't have to be said, but when engaged in a debate in either the comments or the chat, please refrain from ad hominim attacks - keep on the subject, don't get personal.

The following month, the first revision of the Code Of Honor was complete, and put up for the review of the community, by Calvin, um, the Newsvine Blog. That article is here. If you read that thread, you'll see that there is not a single objection to the first article of the Code of Honor.

Though the wording had changed, the intent remained the same. The first article was simply a reworded version of Mykola's suggestion, and was presented thusly:

• Above all else, respect others. If you see disrespectful behavior, report it, rather than engaging in a war of disrespect. Users who are repeatedly reported as disrespectful will lose the ability to add content and comments to Newsvine.

It was then boiled down even further, to simply state the following:

1. Above all else, respect others. If you see disrespectful behavior, report it, rather than further inflaming the situation.

The Code of Honor went live on February 14, 2006, about a month before the site went public. It remained unchanged for two years, until the first (and only) revision of the entire code.  That revision was necessary for two reasons: to clarify several of the points of the existing CoH, and to address some previously unforeseen issues. After much debate on threads such as this, this, and this, and many others which I was unable to locate, the revised code went into effect on March 28, 2008, and is still in effect today.

Coh1 is has since been stated thusly:

Above all else, respect others. Address issues and arguments and refrain from making personal attacks. If you see something disrespectful or inappropriate, report it - rather than further inflaming the situation. More +

1. Adding a personal attack to an otherwise valuable comment or article serves only to render that contribution invalid in its entirety. Such content is subject to moderation.
2. Harassment and/or intimidation of others on Newsvine will not be tolerated, and patterns of such behavior may result in account cancelation.

Now, to the point. What does it actually mean?

Many people seem to get hung up on the first sentence,  which commands that we respect others. Respect, however is a subjective term. What is disrespectful to one person is perfectly acceptable to others. For the purpose of the CoH, and throughout all the revisions, respect has been used to mean respecting the opinions of other newsviners, and not denigrating those users simply because you might disagree with them. It's always been meant to be taken as a whole with the next sentence - that of addressing issues and arguments, and refraining from personal attacks.

Newsvine is not a tea party nor a church social. No one expects Viners to call each other Sir or Ma'am, or to lift their little finger as they sip their tea. You are only asked, or rather required, to be civil towards each other, and not call each other by insulting, pejorative names. As the code says, attack issues and arguments and refrain from making personal attacks.

That is exactly what Myk Bilokonsky said in his original suggestion, so long ago:

please refrain from ad hominim attacks - keep on the subject, don't get personal.

Over time, the wording changed. The meaning, however, did not. CoH 1 also details the proper procedure for dealing with ad hominem attacks should the occur.

If you see something disrespectful or inappropriate, report it - rather than further inflaming the situation.

Simply put, do not respond. Instead, report the infraction, and move on.

And so, to conclude: Never insult another Viner, and if you see a Viner insulted, do not respond, even if you are that Viner. Simply click "inflammatory," and move on. In doing so the incidence of flame wars will be cut drastically, and the moderators will be better able to do their jobs.

Foodies. You know who you are. You lust over heirloom tomatoes. You covet thy neighbor's fennel. You melt over Beaufort d'Alpage. Yes, that's you! Come here to share anything about food. Satisfy your hunger.

All submissions should contain content that belongs to the Foodies! group.  If you don't mind contributing these images to the front page header, please also add them to the Newsvine Photographers Header Pool.  Need some inspiration?  Check out the entries from the last food challenge or this Flickr group.

Articles should also contain:

• tags:  photo-challenge, foodies
• The photo-challenge branding (further instructions).

Come to a virtual-vinemeet if you need to collaborate! 

http://photographers.newsvine.com/photo-challenge for previous challenges and entries. 

Thank you to each and every soldier who has ever served this great country.

A suburban Kansas City woman was left sitting in a vinyl recliner for so long that her skin had fused to the chair and she had to be pried out to be taken to a hospital after suffering an apparent stroke, authorities said.

Hey there new users!  When you join Newsvine, most of you are automatically placed in the Greenhouse.  The Greenhouse is designed as sort of a holding tank to prevent spammers.  While in the Greenhouse, you are allowed to post original articles.  You can also post seeds, which link Newsvine readers to sources outside of Newsvine (news sites, blogs, youtube, etc.).  You can also visit other users' columns and enter into conversations by leaving comments.  

As a new user in the Greenhouse, you can do just about anything that a regular user can do.  When it is determined that you are not a spambot/self-promoter/advertiser/link farmer, etc. you are released from the Greenhouse.  This can be accomplished by meeting a combined threshold (determined by Newsvine) of friends, comments, article submissions, seeds & votes.  Or, you can contact a Moderator (Tyler or Sally) or a Guide to speed up the process. 

Unfortunately, the Greenhouse is so full of spammers , that potentially good users can remain unnoticed.  Several of us regularly patrol the Greenhouse in hopes of unearthing a hidden gem.  At the moment, I can see over 150 pages of new users - each page containing around 110 names.  Most are from a known user who has created thousands of multiple accounts, so many folks have given up trying to find new members to welcome, because most of the pages come from that spammer. Obviously, is it terribly time-consuming to slog through all of those pages in order to find & release users.  Please let me know if you are languishing in the Greenhouse and I'll help you to escape.  Please post any questions that you have about using Newsvine.

Thanks, and enjoy!

Scientists recently discovered something that was causing European gypsy moth caterpillars to behave very strangely. The caterpillars were infected by a deadly baculovirus, and with their last bits of strength, they did something that would be out of the question if they were healthy: they climbed out onto the very highest leaves of their tree in the middle of the day.

There, their diseased bodies split open, raining infected caterpillar guts onto the leaves and branches below. The death ritual is so bizarre, that scientists started using the term ”tree top disease” to describe the virus that caused it.

Really cool & creative design.  Camping anyone??

Some random faces for Foto Friday. I'm starting to get into this!

I am an amateur photographer with way more camera than knowledge & skill (it was a gift). My main lens is an EF28 - 135mm F3.5 - 5.6 IS USM. I use it for lots of outdoor photos. I am very happy with the camera and the lens. However, in lower-light situations with faster action (sporting events), the current lens is not adequate. So, I am in the market for a lens that will allow me to capture action shots in gymnasiums and lighted fields.

Amazon has a pretty decent variety of Canon and third-party lenses. I don't have to have a Canon, but I want something that is of good quality. Customer reviews on Canon lenses are pretty spectacular, but I am willing to venture out and at least consider other options.

What I need from you is help! Suggestions? Experiences? Tips? Links?

Newsvine has some terrific photographers out there. I appreciate your expertise!

Emmanuel Kelly FULL including judges comments - Sings, Imagine from John Lennon.

A toe in the water for Foto Friday. My first attempt. Yeah...it's actually Saturday. That should tell you something.

Pour me a drink, please!

When looking at the Princeton Review's annual college rankings, no one (cool) cares about academic ratings or student to faculty ratios, or any of those silly stats. No, all those people care about is which schools have the most kicking ragers in the whole country. Here they are.

Could you put aside your fears and do something like this??

We've covered before the horrible consequences of constantly given factory farm animals antibiotics so they don't get sick in the sickening conditions we make them live. And recently the USDA commissioned a report reviewing the current research on antibiotics, antibiotic resistant infections and farm animals. The report was pretty damning of current industry practices, as Tom Philpott summarizes over at Mother Jones.

In an effort to have a scoop and be an ace reporter yet recognizing I don't have the full facts I am offering this little ditty for those who had to stay home. I am now back in Ohio. For health reasons, I could not stay longer in Louisville but believe me, even a minute with the group that met there is worth a small lifetime with friends and family.

Suffice it to say  Dowser has outdone all in her presentation of the 2011 Louisville VineMeet. Good location, superlative food, absolutely the finest friends, and a conference of great minds that will soon shake Newsvine to the bottom of its roots.

I will not go into specifics but for some reason the attendees were the finest examples of courtliness among the men, beauty among the women and great minds by all. I leave the specifics to those who will spend the entire weekend and who will better describe what happened than I can. I was amazed at what I found when I walked in the door of the conference room. I was amazed at how the group rapidly became a family. I was amazed at the content of discussions offered by all. I was amazed mostly by the graciousness, the beauty and the honest, loving acceptance of all by Dowser. I think in this one case I can speak for all and speak before any, I love Dowser, we love Dowser, Newsvine should recognize Dowser for a great contribution to the site.

With that I leave you with just a smidgen, just a little bait on the anchor, a teaser to get you going. Thanks to all for being here.

Us Simpsons freaks will forever recall the episode when Homer and Marge went to an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet at the Frying Dutchman, only to have Captain McAllister boot Homer and utter the immortal line "'Tis no man; 'tis a remorseless eating machine." Homer sued, of course, and reached a settlement with the Sea Captain, one of the few times Lionel Hutz didn't lose in court.

Organized gangs of homosexuals, hellbent on destroying straight marriages and converting straight people to their orientation, are still roaming the streets this hour, and authorities admit that they have no leads.  The gangs pose a serious risk to any straight couple, married or not, according to top Christians and Conservatives (who know more than scientists).

"I'm absolutely devastated," explained Janice Nyeve, 39, of San Francisco, California, "I loved my husband deeply, and I know he loved me, too.  He was the perfect man.  He was meticulously clean, extremely well-dressed, he always took me shopping and had the best advice, and he never pressured me for sex."  With some sobbing, she continued.  "But one night, he said he was going to the gym. I didn't think anything of it, because he went to the gym three times each day. But the next thing I know, he's calling me from Vermont and telling me he married Chad, his yoga instructor! There was absolutely nothing gay about my husband whatsoever. They brainwashed him!"

Janice is one of the sad, countless millions whose lives have been forever ruined by homosexuals turning straight people gay.  Researchers believe the process involves giving a person a complete makeover, then taking them to a discotheque, and then back to a high-class loft apartment, where after watching several Barbara Streisand movies together, the homosexual will cast a magic spell on the heterosexual, most likely using pagan witchcraft.  After this process is complete, the heterosexual will then be a homosexual, and will never desire heterosexual relations again.

"Sometimes, the spell doesn't work," warns Dr. Eve Hill, a psychologist and marriage-killer gang researcher in Texas.  "If the spell is interrupted, the victim might only become bi-curious, which means they'll go for anyone.  I don't need to explain the dangers involved in that!"  When asked to explain the dangers involved in that, Dr. Hill refused to comment.

Yet despite the dangers presented to society by these homosexual gangs, authorities have yet to discover any quality leads that may assist them in bringing these gays and lesbians to justice.  "We have some of our top men on the case," explained Captain Harris Mint of the Los Angeles Police Department.  "We set up video surveillance on a lesbian couple believed to be turning straight women gay.  Our men are so devoted to the case that all eight of them have refused to take their eyes off of their screens.  And they keep asking for lotion and tissues to be brought to their offices, which tells me they're dried out from working so hard, and obviously emotionally distraught by what they're watching."

For the lives destroyed by homosexuals, authorities offer little consolation.  "I miss my husband," explained Janice Nyeve.  "I carry his picture with me everywhere I go.  It's from a Halloween a few years ago.  Him and some of his friends from the gym dressed up as a soldier, a biker, a police officer, a cowboy, a Native American, and a construction worker.  They were having so much fun, walking arm-in-arm together like a scene from his favorite movie, The Wizard of Oz.  I see that picture and it breaks my heart.  If you're reading this my love, I miss you.  Please come home.  I'll never tell you we can't sleep in separate beds again, either.  I'll be more respectful of your back problems, I swear!"